Kaelri

Dear Senator Jim Alesi,

I know you must be going through a stressful time right now. A situation like this always brings with it a great deal of expense, adversity, and media scrutiny. And maybe it’s not my place to be a Monday-morning quarterback. But in the interest of averting future calamity, I wanted to take a few minutes to suggest several points where an alternative decision may save you some grief.

1. If you would like to tour a house that’s up for sale, start by calling the owners, or the real estate agency – their number is usually printed on a sign in the front yard. (Reading this sign is also a good way to learn that the house has already been sold.) If the owners are home, try knocking on the front door. If not, come back later.
2. If you are unable to contact the owners, do not attempt to open the front door.
3. If the front door is locked, you should take it as a strong indication that the house is not open to the public.
4. If the basement door is unlocked, it does not mean that the front door was just kidding.
5. If, once inside, you discover that the house does not have stairs, the building is probably under construction. If you are not a qualified construction worker, it may not be safe for you to proceed.
6. Before mounting a utility ladder, try to secure it using a rope or heavy object, and bring footwear with good traction on the soles.
7. If the homeowners choose not to sue you for trespassing after you break your leg falling from a utility ladder in their basement, appropriate expressions of gratitude include writing a letter, baking cookies, or paying to have your blood cleaned from their floor. A lawsuit is not an appropriate expression of gratitude.
8. If you would still like to maintain the barest veneer of innocence, do not file your lawsuit on the same day that the statute of limitations runs out on your trespassing charge.
9. If you decide to ignore any or all of the above recommendations, do not expect to continue a career in professional politics.

Wishing you a speedy recovery from your monumental shortsightedness,

ME

Another Google Earth oddity. (43°17’32.05″ N 79°16’44.92″ W)

According to Urlai:

kaelri.com is probably written by a male somewhere between 36-50 years old. The writing style is personal and happy most of the time.

This reminds me of a banner ad that I spotted about four years ago, which amused me so much that I saved it for posterity:

“Prepare to be shocked! You may be younger than you think.“

The Internet is a wonderful place. Every day, without fail, I receive dozens – if not hundreds – of emails from total strangers who want nothing more than to make me outrageously wealthy. This very morning, for instance, I eagerly leapt from my pillow to lay eyes upon my waiting inbox, and within five minutes I was melting in the glow of a heartwarming benefaction from Mister pardon me, General Charles Maynard of Her Majesty’s realm:

Is me Charles Maynard Call me

Winner Lottery

I am General Charles Maynard I am delighted to inform you that the contract panel, which just concluded it’s seating in England just released your name amongst contractors to benefit from the Diplomatic Immunity Payment. This Panel was primarily delegated to investigate manipulated contract claims, contracts and over-invoiced payment as the effect has eaten deep into the economy of our dear country.

However, we wish to bring to your notice that your contract profile is still reflecting in our central computer as unpaid contractor while auditing was going on.

Well! I say! Goodness gracious! What honorable men and women, to be looking out for my well-being in a time of mass hardship. Particularly in light of the fact that I am not and have never been to Britain. Should I be good enough to mention that small detail before I venture further? Maybe, but I don’t want to add anything to these heroes’ struggles – between their manifest difficulties with periods, apostrophes and capital letters, it would only be cruel. I continue reading:

Your contract file was forwarded to my office by the auditors as unclaimed fund, we wish to use this medium to inform you that for the time being Federal Government of London have stopped further payment through bank to bank transfer due to contractors numerous petitions to United Nations against London on wrong payment and diversion of contract funds to different account.

Also, commas. And nouns. And the word “and.” And the word “the.” My, my. ‘What can I do?’ I thought. ‘How can I help you virtuous folk put this obviously-taxing labor behind you?’

In this regards we are going to send your contract part payment of 4.5 Million USD. To you via our accredited shipping company and I have secured every needed documents to cover the money.

‘In America, we tip fifteen percent. Will you take a cheque?’

Note: The money is coming on 2 security proof boxes. The boxes are sealed with synthetic nylon seal and padded with machine.

This was the point at which I began to question whether General Maynard was entirely in command of his faculties. My packages usually arrive padded with styrofoam, layered cloth, or plastic bubble wrap. Machine padding seemed rather problematic. I imagined my tiny shoebox of money surrounded by a jagged phalanx of gatling guns and space shuttle parts. While duly imposing, it was not clear to me how this steely facade was to protect one’s belongings from accidental falls, unless, perhaps, its intimidating gleam persuades the ground to move aside.

Please you don’t have to worry for anything, as the transaction is 100% risk free. The boxes are coming with a Diplomatic agent who will accompany the boxes to your house address.

Ah, now I understood. They were sending a handler. Probably a veteran SAS commando. They’d thought of everything. My confidence was restored.

All you need to do now is to send to me your. The Diplomatic Attachee will travel with it. He will call you immediately he arrives your country’s airport.

Send to him my… my what? This was not good. I am not a snob; I can forgive the lackings of my fellow man, even the ones that could have been fixed long ago with a Hooked on Phonics gift certificate. But now I was missing a piece of information crucial to a six-figure transaction! I would have to read for clues from context…

I hope you understand me.

‘Doing my damnedest, General.’

Note: The diplomat does not know the original contents of the boxes. What l declared to them as the contents is Sensitive Photographic Film Materials for security reasons.

Well, there was no misinterpreting that. But again, a passing blip of uncertainty. Will it really be easier to get this money into the country if the Department of Homeland security thinks I got a box of porn guarded by robots? I must, I suppose, have faith.

I did not declare money to them please.If they call you and ask you the contents please tell them the same thing Ok.

Ok. …ok. Ok? Ok.

I will secure the Diplomatic immunity clearance certificate, which will make it pass every custom checkpoint all over the world without hitch.

While I was no closer to discovering what contribution the General required of me, I was impressed to learn that the British government has acquired the most powerful adult film studio in the history of the world.

Confirm the receipt of this message and send the requirements to me immediately you receive this message. Please I need urgent reply because the boxes are schedule to live as soon as we hear from you. Call me immediately.

Oh, dear. I still didn’t know what the requirements were, but by now I wasn’t sure if I wanted this deal at all. Not if the boxes were scheduled to live. Imagine a four-and-a-half million dollar combination of male strippers and defense technology becoming self-aware in my own home! Would I be responsible for the rise of the steamiest Skynet ever devised by mankind? It was someone’s fantasy, but it wasn’t mine.

Contact me on my direct email: ( charles.maynard1@gmx.com ) and I will let you know how far I have gone with the arrangement.

Best Regards,
Charles Maynard
Call me +234-703-968-8709

I decided, after careful consideration, to decline the offer. However, if you feel differently about the scenario I described, please do get in touch with this excellent fellow. As the recipient of such a generous (if equally perilous) offer, I would be embarrassed not to measure up.